I was stumbling upon my old bookmark tabs and came across this old friend. I can't believe all my posts are still here! I think it's been about 1 or 2 years since I've written on this. I don't really have an excuse as to why I stopped writing, but a lot has certainly changed.
For starters..IT'S MUHHH BIRTHDAY BITCH! Yeah that is right. I am out of the teens and into my adult years (for real) now. 19 you were cool, but 20, this is gonna be good. Sure I am 1 year away from being legal, but to me life is more than having a legal drink or two, it's about truly living and finding some purpose here (deep shit, I know.)
This past year has been one that combines too many words to even say. I started out 19 the same way I feel any 19 year old would. Happy to have made it to another birthday, happy to say I was almost 20, happy to just be getting birthday wishes from all the ones I loved. But 19 was going to be a year far from any other, little did I know it was the year that I certainly needed to be where I am today.
It all sounds silly I'm sure, but I had one of my biggest downfalls during 19. I completely lost touch with who I was and got distracted from where I wanted to go. It was as if I had no purpose for myself and began doubting every move I had. Whether it was what I was going to wear to class or how I was going to conduct myself in an interview, I couldn't seem to find any sort of balance for myself. I was at a low point that no one should ever feel. I was so indebted into wondering about the things I couldn't control, I ended up losing control of my own thoughts and went into this downward spiral. After multiple nights of horrible panic attacks, what seemed to be endless therapy sessions and long "life talks" with my dad that always ended up with me being a puddle of tears, I realized I could no longer live my life the way I was living. But in turn, I needed this low to understand what is was going to be like to experience so many highs. From that day on I started focusing on what it meant to truly live. To truly be thankful for the people and the opportunities around us. To be happy for all the moments that are happening in the now. Being so caught up in the future and the whys and the what ifs' really took a toll on me. But I can proudly say I can now focus on, what I like to call "my current chapter of life," rather than skipping all the way to the end of the book.
After figuring what meant most to me, I started to see all the good I had to offer and all the things I wanted to accomplish in this world. I hadn't been confident like that in a long time. I started going to the gym. Eating right. Taking the time to care about myself more than I ever had. Mending relationships. Understanding my past and why I had these negative connotations.
It was a new me.
Something that really helped me get to a level of "self satisfaction" was meeting an amazing friend, who started out as a stranger, I guess like all friends do, but our way of meeting was a bit different than others. She could not have been put into my life at any other time than when it happened. She was exactly the type of person I needed to understand so many things and hear things from another point of view. We clicked instantly and were practically each others life lines at the job we worked at during this past summer. Her and I are now best friends and it's not often you find friendships like the one we were blessed with. (the ginger ale to my pink lemonade forever. ha yes. we are about 6 years old. its fine)
So for me. 19 was needed. I lost some people, I met some amazing ones, I moved to a new house that makes my parents happy every single day, I'm working everyday to achieve my goal weight, I try and think positive about all the situations I am put into before getting lost in a panic attack, I found myself again.
..and oh yeah..I happened to be living in Rome this semester.
I am currently living in Rome (ahhhh like what???) yes it's true.
I made this decision for myself because I knew I was very comfortable with what my life was becoming and I wanted to find myself being more independent and what better way to do that than live in another country away from all of my friends and family! This is proving to be the best decision because I am finally feeling free, but learning so much and doing things on my own that I never thought possible. I am having the time of my life over here and whenever I get down or upset that I'm not with my friends or with my family I remind myself that I know this is what best for me at this point in my life. I can't truly explain everything, but hopefully I've done my best. If any of my friends or family read this, THANK YOU. Thank you for your support for encouraging me even when I have no faith in myself. I'm doing everything to make you proud.
But for now I have made it to 20. Who knows what it will bring. But I am ready for change, adventure, heart break, love and some life lessons what ever they may be.
19, thank you for a year that I needed most and 20, lets see whatcha got.
happy birthday to me:) and to many more.
Thanks for reading everyone and oh yeah, don't forget your smile:)
Thanks for reading everyone and oh yeah, don't forget your smile:)
